on being truthful

The truth is, I usually feel pretty content with my ability to handle life. I'm young enough to play with my kids, creative enough to think of things to do with them, and generally spiritual enough not to complain about various things that bug me. (Hey, I said I was being truthful here!)

The truth is, sometimes it's easy for me to make it through the day without feeling like, "Wow, I'm so glad the Lord helped me; otherwise, I'd never make it!"

The truth is, every time I sit down at the computer, I don't feel like blogging. I feel like checking out of life and not thinking about anything.

The truth is, nothing sounds good to me. I feel tired. Lethargic. Unmotivated. And yes, even a bit queasy.

The truth is, I'm pregnant. Yep. I'm pregnant*. (Please see end of post for FAQ section. Thank you.)

The truth is, I've waited to share this news for a very long time because I'm only recently feeling emotionally stable enough to handle the piles of congratulations that come with such news.

The truth is, (or more accurately, was), the thought of having another baby frightened me. Not so much the actual having of the baby, or the raising of the baby, but what shook me was that my nice handle on life instantly disappeared. I freaked out. How am I going to homeschool these kids with another baby to hold? How am I going to have time to give all of my kids the attention, love, and care I really long and love to give them? How will my nerves deal with another set of hands and another voice calling for mama's help? How will I be able to do this?

The truth is, I don't have very many more of those days where it's easy to make it through without feeling like I would have melted to the ground without the Lord's help. I pretty much need His help, every single day. I have no energy. No patience. No ideas. I've got nothing. For me, pregnancy - and sickness in general - has a way of reducing the outer "fluff" and exposing my true heart. I guess, it's not actually such a bad place to be.

The truth is, I'm finding that His grace is good enough - no, His grace is abundantly, overflowingly enough - and I'm slowly starting to let go of my idea of "perfect" mothering, or "perfect" schooling, whatever that might have meant anyway...and organization? That went out the window several weeks ago! I'm learning that leaning on Him and His strength with four kids is much better than holding it all together myself with three. I don't want to "get used" to life with four and fall into the same trap - the "I'm-doing-a-pretty-good-job-here" trap. I want to live desperately dependent on Him, knowing that if He doesn't come through, my sinful nature will take over and screw up everything.

The truth is, I'm getting excited about having another baby. And excited about finally realizing that it's not good enough to be good enough.

The End.

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Frequently Asked Questions

1. Were you planning to have another baby?

Yes, and no. Yes in that, if we did have another baby, we wanted him/her to be close in age to Abby (13 months now). That meant the window of having another one was quickly closing. I don't want to be changing diapers forever, you know.

No, in that once we decided, I got cold feet. =) I started thinking about how much harder it would be, how it felt like starting over, how I would be changing diapers forever...etc. But, at that point, it was too late to change my mind. Funny how that works sometimes.

2. When is the baby due?

The baby is due mid-September, so I'm a little over 15 weeks now. We'll have the baby just four weeks or so after landing in America - good thing we've got all those grandparents willing to babysit!

3. Are the girls excited?

You better believe it! Emma tells everyone - the taxi drivers, strangers on the elevator, old ladies at the bus stop - about the baby in mommy's tummy. It's actually very taboo to start talking about pregnancy until you begin showing, but of course, Emma is oblivious to social norms.

4. Do you think this one will be a boy??

Nope. =) The odds are stacked pretty highly against us in that department! Apparantly, the statistics say that if you've had 3 girls within the last five years, the odds of you having a boy are about 9%. So, even though we'd love a boy, we aren't putting our money on it! We will be going to Hong Kong in May and will have a full ultrasound done, so we'll find out if we can pass on all our girl clothes to other people or if they'll get one more chance to be used!

5. How are you feeling?

Surprisingly, I'm feeling great in the mornings and pretty nasty at night. But, I view even that as a great mercy - I've got enough energy to at least keep daily routines going while the girls are awake and then I crash and burn at night. I seem to have nausea that lasts late into pregnancy, and this one seems no different. The only big difference is that instead of craving sweet things, I'm craving salty - cheetos and nuts, to be precise! I also think that things are getting better - I feel much better than even a month ago.